I have a weight problem

Paranoia is a real thing, everybody. I don’t know who told you it wasn’t, but they’re lying to you and you should be very suspicious because they definitely have an ulterior motive and are out to get you and- I digress. But paranoia is real.

The seed of my most recent bout of paranoia was planted over the course of a few days. There were the days spent packing in London, the day we moved all of my stuff from upstairs to downstairs and I genuinely worried that my boxes upon boxes of books were going to be the cause of a tragic accient, the day we moved everything up to my new first floor flat, and then the day my furniture arrived.

Somewhere along the way (and I’m pretty sure it started with the possible ex-con IKEA man who I’m desperately trying and failing not to be a snob about) I became convinced that the contents of my flat were too heavy for the floor.

I’m not really sure where it came from, apart from a few comments about how heavy some (OK, all) of my stuff is. Knowing that I’d already loaded the place with super-heavy stuff meant that when my IKEA stuff turned out to be much heavier than I expected, I had a mini freakout.

There are a couple of dips in the carpet where you can feel that the floorboards are slightly uneven. I very quickly decided that it was probably woodworm or something equally bad. I don’t even know that woodworm is that bad, of even if it’s a real thing. I just have a really bad worm phobia that we never need to talk about ever again.

Never mind the fact that this place has stood for nearly two hundred years. Never mind that I read this flat’s EPC report from start to finish (am I the first person ever to do that?) and I know that it’s literally made of stone.

I decided that, despite the fact that this place has housed Victorians and their grand, mahogany furniture (I’ve seen Flog It. That’s definitely what they all had all the time.) some poorly-constructed mass-produced MDF would finish the whole building off. I even Googled it, and it turns out that my whole little panic was ridiculous. Who knew?

In a way, it’s a compliment. My £9 TV stand is far sturdier than I had anticipated. Sturdy enough to propel me into a brief-but-steep spiral of paranoia. They should use that on the adverts.

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