The man at the cinema who can bite me

To the front of him are three rows. Anybody in possession of any level of logic knows that those three rows are going to be A, B, and C. This man decides his ticket is actually telling him to sit one row further back next to a very pretty blonde girl who immediately becomes engrossed in conversation with her friend. That is not how the alphabet works.

As the people in D 1-4 stand up to let the man out, he lifts a leg and tries to climb over his seat into the row behind (which the citizens of row D all know is row E, but we’ve made a psychic agreement not to say anything on account of the fact that we all just want this man out of our lives).… Read More The man at the cinema who can bite me

A walk on the wanky side

To top it all off, when I got to Maenporth, I had the most amazing hot chocolate, because my hands were cold and hot chocolate is always amazing when your hands are cold. Like, could I just remember to take gloves out with me when I go for walks? Sure. But does that come with whipped cream and chocolate sauce and a flake and marshmallows? Almost never. So I think my way’s better.… Read More A walk on the wanky side

Jiminy Cricket’s retribution, or The Accidental Pumpkins

By the time I got up two hours after I intended to leave the house, and left another hour after that, I was already doubting my ability to get to the Lizard in time to eat my tuna sandwich from home (because we all know I’m about to buy some unsolicited vegetables in this story, but my initial intentions were pure) and get back again before the Cornish country lanes turned into the pitch black labyrinths I now know them to be.… Read More Jiminy Cricket’s retribution, or The Accidental Pumpkins

When I wake up

I brush my teeth and wash my face. It takes forever to do both. With the teeth, I’m one of the only people in the world who actually pays attention to the two-minute timer on their electric toothbrush. It’s a really long time when you’re just standing there marvelling at the way your hair always finds a new angle at which to stick up and trying not to dribble Colgate down your pyjamas. With the face, there’s something unpleasant about that first shock of water on skin first thing in the morning. I’ll happily throw myself into the sea on any given day, but get soap involved and water is immediately a chore.… Read More When I wake up

Public trouser removal

The hill doesn’t last too long before it flattens out, but by the time I get to the top I’m already sweating like a pig badass athlete. I’ve made the wrong clothing choice. The rain has all but stopped, the sun is fully out, and the trousers are making me feel like something you boil in the bag. I am at a metaphorical and, coincidentally, literal crossroads.

In a split second I make a choice, and pull into the car park of the doctors. I happen to know that there’s a little space behind the building where I occasionally leave my bike when I have to go in. I hop off, quick as a flash, and whip down my waterproofs.… Read More Public trouser removal

The vending machine gods

Stealth water gulping accomplished, I returned to my vending machine mission. Now t wasn’t so much about getting my drink as it was about damage limitation. My money was still in there. I tried to overpay a few more times. I smacked the coin return as hard as I could. I contemplated being the kind of person who’d go to the reception desk to complain about a vending machine, but I realised I’d pay at least £1.20 to never have to do that.… Read More The vending machine gods

Nans on party buses

Every year, after the summer holidays are over but before the leaves have even changed colour, the nation’s pensioners get on coaches with their friends and head to low-to-mid priced hotels throughout the countryside. They eat Christmas dinner, snack on mince pies, and enjoy a “traditional festive atmosphere”, which I assume means ‘enough wine to run a small pub for a night’.… Read More Nans on party buses